The Color Green; An Ode to 2017

Reflecting on 2017 is maybe one of the hardest things for me. And although I am hesitant to acknowledge the immense impact this past year has had on me - at times making me feel as though the Universe as a whole had a price on my head and a personal vendetta against me - I refuse to let the ashes of 2017 bury me; Much like the Phoenix, I will rise above and find myself again. 

2017 challenged my personal strength and ability to persevere through love and loss, emotional abuse, the death of my best friend and the deep, dark, all-encompassing depression that followed, causing me to question the value and meaning of my life. 

A friend recently told me that I was different, and as sad as it made me to hear, I understood what she meant - 2017 did change me. CJ's death changed me. The failure of my marriage and the exertion of energy used to remove myself from that toxic relationship changed me. Grieving and secluding myself from the world for months changed me. But maybe not all change is bad. Because through everything, even though I sometimes find myself in moments of crippling sadness, I have slowly started to rebuild what once felt too damaged to repair. This year, I have learned the true definition of friendship and solidified relationships that were once deemed irrevocably over. People I never knew I needed, picked me up from the dark hole I had fallen in and clawed their way up with me, never leaving my side through it all. I had friends that flew thousands of miles without question, just to hold my hand and cry with me; Friends that sent me flowers, washed my dishes, mowed my lawn, or just simply stroked my hair in silence while I cried. I experienced a tremendous and overwhelming amount of love and support from my family, often putting their own needs and worries aside to be fully present for me. 

This year, I have seen the unfortunate true colors of people I put too much faith in, leaving me disappointed and unsure of their motives. But I have also made new connections and created new relationships that I didn’t think were possible. I’ve met amazing people who are so pure and genuine that it has restored my faith in the Universe. 

2017 made me feel as though I had thrown water on the mirror in front of me and let the distorted reflection replace what I knew to be true. That water continues to stream and drip at the edges, but it’s as if I have a million loving hands all helping me wipe the mirror to see myself clearly again. It’s these people that surround my life, that have helped me learn that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. I've learned that not every downfall is a reason to give up and that I am more loved by my friends and family than I ever imagined possible. It’s the patience displayed sitting in silence next to me while I sort my thoughts and the soft spoken reminders that I’m worth spending time with that inspire me to accept the things that have happened and do everything I can to keep moving forward. It’s the fact that after everything the past year has thrown at me, I am still standing. 

So yes, 2017 was a fucking hard year. But finding the beauty in my suffering has been eye opening and 2018 isn’t just another year, it is also a chance to write my own next chapter. So there I sat, no makeup and a frizzy mane of carefree hair tickling my bare face in the breeze, stripped down and vulnerable, as I let go of the last piece of 2017 - that green fucking couch. 

“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”