Gaslight The Way
The smile on my face was stretched. My lips hurt and felt as if they would split under the strain, but I continued to smile. The angrier I got, the wider I smiled; The wider I smiled, the angrier I got. I didn’t miss him. He didn’t leave me anything to miss. I wasn’t jealous. There wasn’t anything to be jealous of. But anger, that was something else. It was anger that boiled behind my eyes. It stung enough to make tears glide down my face. They left wet streaks that ran through my smile and splashed my thighs with the force of heavy rain.
Seeing him. Seeing him with her. Seeing them together, illuminated in the artificial light of the iPhone, their silhouettes posed in a way that made me think of the capital A in the last name I still had in place of my own. A large gap spilled sunlight between their feet, their arms interlocked at the waist and their lips pressed together. It was anger that I felt seeing him happy after what he did to me. It was knowing that he hadn’t changed and that he would do the same to her. It was anger that I felt for the reminder of how I had let him change me. And anger over still working to undo everything that he did.
The taste of vomit rose in my throat and my stomach churned; The anger burned inside my gut like curdled milk. It was anger that forced my jaw to clench tighter. And it was anger that made me smile wider.
He told me that he loved me.
He told me I was a fucking cunt.
He told me that my junkie friend would still be alive if I hadn’t kicked him out.
He told me anything to hurt me.
He told me he would take care of me.
He told me he would kill himself if I left.
He told me I couldn’t leave because I was his wife.
He told me he treated me like shit because I made him.
He told me I was selfish.
He told me I was beautiful, and then nicknamed me Ringworm.
He told me no one would ever love me more than he did.
He told me I should let every guy I knew fuck me.
He told me to shove dildos in my friends cunts.
He told me I was the most beautiful person he had ever met.
He told me I gave him butterflies.
He told me my friends were pieces of shit and that I didn’t need them.
He told me my family didn’t matter.
He told me I was incapable of love.
He told me…
He told me…
I didn’t believe him.
But he told me…
And he kept telling me…
Until I started to believe him.
It was anger that I felt, knowing he was wrong, but often times still finding myself believing that just maybe, he was right.
Because he led me through the dark with his charm, and a bright fucking gaslight.
Yes...
ReplyDeleteOh, and, you're back.
So well done! You nailed it!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback, the subjects are heavy and hard to express. Knowing people read these keeps me writing.
DeleteOh my dear
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, it means the world to me.
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ReplyDeletemine is telling me all the same
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so sad to hear that you are going through this, it has been a rough road realizing that I lived through it. I hope you find the strength you need to realize you deserve better.
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ReplyDeleteI relate to all of your blogs. I love your style of literature. Reminds me of my best friends writing..
ReplyDeleteI love getting feedback like this, knowing that people read this and can relate gives me the strength to keep writing.
DeleteI feel like you are pulling the words out of my heart. I hate that I miss him and done missing him. I was hurt and and confused that he is happy, with her...and don’t understand what happen with me..
ReplyDeletetoday I’m done wondering and being jealous, hurt, saying life is not fair, asking God to bring him back/ no ..it’s been 6 months and I can say I don’t want him God. I don’t. I don’t want that treatment.
Done hurting my self and glad my attempt at trying to end my life failed - I didn’t see, but God has something in store for me, you and all that are hurt. He uses us, as he is using you to give me strength. 💜
Keep writing. So glad I’m not alone and have other warriors fight the same battle.
Hold on. You may not see the Great Positive impact or the influence you are making, that are going on or happening right now. You are helping other people (me including) connect with their emotions in a good way. 💜 it’s great to relate.
I am almost speechless. This hurts my heart, and fills it at the same time. Knowing that I am not alone, yet knowing that someone else has and IS experiencing the same hurt. You reading my posts and using it as a platform to share your experience means everything to me. I am not alone. You are not alone. We have to continue reminding ourselves that it is not our fault. And we have to continue reminding ourselves that we are stronger for it.
DeleteTerrible, horrible ..but beautifuly expressed! Sometimes we need creative people to put words to what aches. Thank you for being courageous in this way.
ReplyDeleteWriting about my pain has been an incredibly challenging path to find healing. Comments like these keep me going, thank you for listening and thank you for commenting. Knowing my stories are being read and understood gives me validation and the courage to keep sharing.
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