Dear Sylvia, I Think We Would Have Been Friends

I search for the words 

To express how I feel 

Yet nothing ever really feels right 

The silent tears fall 

As my mind wonders off 

Like a blanket, I hug myself tight

My heart starts to race

And I feel myself shake 

The flood gates are opening wide

I squeeze my eyes tight

While I stifle the screams 

And search for a safe place to hide 

In the bathroom I go

and I lock myself in 

Trying hard not to sink to the floor 

I stare in the mirror

At my hollow blank face 

As my insides seep out from the core 

My pain is opaque

So thick, I might faint

Struggling hard to keep myself still

Anxiety creeps in 

As the time ticks away 

A reminder this nightmare is real 

I am sick and so tired 

Of being sick and so tired. 

Depression seeps deep to my soul 

I need sleep, I need rest 
My eyes can attest 

The pain held inside takes its toll 

I pretend I’m okay

As I float through each day 

A grin plastered wide on my face 

But inside I shrink down

While preparing to drown

Sewing my mask on with lace  

I smile through life 
As if things are just fine 

Because none of them know the real me 

So I lie through my teeth

And I beg not to cry 

As they accept everything that they see 

Maybe they’ll sigh 
And ask themselves why 

Or wonder if deep down they knew 

Or think back to when 
I let them see in 

While searching each moment for clues 

Their heads may hang low 
Hearts sunk to the floor 

When they realize they knew all along

No, They didn’t believe it 

Played it off as just words 

But little did they know they were wrong

And no words will suffice 

To comfort their minds 

When they realize they waited too long 

So they’ll cry and they’ll try 
To understand why

But it will all be too late when I’m gone