Please, Tell Me Who I Am.

He tells me he thinks I’m perfect… But, I’ve been silent for the last 20 minutes since he told me all of the other things he thought about me that were just as inaccurate. I’ve been silent since he made the dumb fucking comment that I wasn’t really a Black Women, you know, because I was mixed. Of course, this was about the time he also told me I was stubborn, and that I didn’t like to listen to other people’s opinions if they did not match my own. Told me all of the things about me that he felt were true, because I had asked him some questions to clarify his reasoning behind thinking Black Woman were all… Bad/Ghetto/Aggressive/Not His Type. 

I did not undermine his feelings; I just simply wanted to understand how a Black Man could feel this way. I even specified that his feelings were valid… whether I agreed, or understood his logic, or not. I just simply wanted him to explain why he felt that way. But, as people often do when they cannot find reason behind their illogical beliefs, he turned it back on me and tried, almost successfully, to belittle me with his fucking words. 

And while yes, I felt the sting of the invisible daggers thrown in my direction for his inability to comprehend having a conversation where a WOMAN asked him a question, without having an ulterior motive, but truly wanted to understand his perspective, I obliged at his clearly unspoken request and shut the fuck up before I said something that would surely end our relationship… or whatever it was we had between us. Because, I’ve learned in my 33 years on this planet, that some people just like the sound of their own fucking voice and that it is much more detrimental, to them, to mule over all of the fucking ridiculous shit they spewed in a conversation, searching for which part of it was the ultimate fuck up, than to try and ration them into actually listening to what the fuck I have to say. 

Go on, I said with my eyes. Tell me, like everyone else in my fucking life, exactly how I feel, and what the fuck I am thinking right now. Because of course, you know more about me than I know about my goddamn self.