Altered

The dictionary defines having an epiphany as having a moment of sudden revelation or insight. That’s what happened when a friend recently explained to me that there were two different types of pain; the kind that hurt, and the kind that altered.

Reflecting on my life and the relationships with those around me that had felt the toxicity of my grief, I understood then why everything felt...different. 

The loss of my friend and the circumstances surrounding his exit from life hadn't simply hurt me; it had altered me. Everything that came after his death merely acted as aftershocks of an earthquake; continuing to shift things around a bit more. However, it was that first big jolt of pain that had completely rearranged things for me. 

It was that initial rock thrown in my pond that had caused several of my life’s puzzle pieces to fall off the table into that metaphoric black abyss. That shit caused my life to have gaps and holes were love and happiness used to live... Where love and happiness used to grow... Where love and happiness used to survive. 

But now, those patched up leftovers of what once was, dramatically paint a picture of the type of pain I had endured; the kind of pain that altered.